English in Japan

People often ask if I spoke any English when I came here. I spoke some. But very little American idioms or slang. People in Japan begin studying English at 7th grade. If you go to a private school like I did, you start at 1st grade. My mother teaches English. My father used to conduct business in English so they are both fluent. My mother in particular was really interested in us learning to speak English so my parents have arranged to have American college students living with us as we were growing up. So I suspect that my ears were more trained than the average Japanese kid. But as far as learning the language--I really didn't have the command.

English in Japan is taught very academically. There are actually very little conversation in classes. Just lectures on how to apply the grammar and construct sentences. I once got an incorrect on a quiz because I answered, "this is a pen" to a question "what is this?" The correct answer in this case was "it is a pen" because that is what the text book said. My mom, who believes in teaching through conversations, actually went and said something to the teacher on this one.

Because of this method, people in Japan can't really speak English, but can comprehend it if it's written. And Japanese people really like things written in English because it looks cool. I am certain that many of you are now familiar with Engrish.com. I think this site started as just posting things from Japan, but now it has branched out to things from other countries. One of my husband's hobbies when we go to Japan is to grab things or take photos of funny signs in English. Here are some of our favorites:

A clothing store--clearly.

Store that sells fun socks

I don't even remember what this was

Not what you think

And finally....

To which I uttered, "YOU store my ducks."

But then this is a flip side I get to enjoy. The random Japanese words people in this country wear on their shirts and, in many cases, skin. I knew a guy who had a Japanese character on his arm. The character looked like this:　実, which means "meat of a fruit." I asked why he had that on his arm, or more importantly, what he thought he meant, he looked horrified and said, "truth..?" Now the word "truth" looks like this:真実. You see, his tatoo artist omitted a character. I would seriously like to be a proof reader for tattoo parlors. And I found this delightful site.

Roughly translated, here is the order of what the shirts say--and it gets progressively worse:
1. I am Japanese
2. Pay up, you jerk
3. Big Dick (yes, that is what it says)
4. Hemorrhoid
5. I am a freak
6. Low self-esteem

Then shirts are repeated.

I suppose it's just universal.

This is what I'm talking about

A friend of mine sent me this photo via cell phone--it's a page from Kate Gosselin's book and the caption reads:"Maddie did her hair up in chopsticks and was proud to celebrate her Asian heritage."




This taught me three things:
1) I have a friend who gets what I'm saying and who might now understand what I see. Blog mission accomplished.
2) Children are being TAUGHT that sticking chopsticks in their heads is Asian, even if their grandparents are real Asian (as opposed to fake Asian, referred to as "Banana"--yellow on the outside, white on the inside. Terrible, I know).
3) There are probably more Kate Gosselins in this country than I care to admit and they must be stopped. One. At. A. Time.

I thank you for your continuous support.

Spoiled Brats Nation

Japan is a service oriented country. We say, "the customer is God," which is about 10 notches higher than "the customer is always right." For example, in the height of the economy, if you drive into a gas station in Tokyo, approximately 5 uniformed attendants ran to your car as they all shouted "welcome" at you. One would knock on the door (yes, I said knock) and when you opened it, he would kneel down by your side so that his head was not higher than yours. You tell him to fill it up, at which point he'd ask for your ash tray (assuming you smoke) so he could clean it. He would pump the gas while four others would wash your windows and mirrors, and ask if you have any garbage and throw that out. The first attendant would return with your ashtray which now contains these tiny scented balls. You'd pay, then as you leave, one attendant would get into the street and stop traffic for you to get out, as all of them take their hats off and bow as you are driving away.

I have taken numerous foreign guests to Isetan Department Store at 10am sharp when the store opens. This store has a grand entrance, and as the big clock strikes ten, young, beautiful, uniformed ladies with hats and gloves will put their hands on the door ceremoniously, and swing the doors open. As you walk in, for the first five minutes or so, every sales person on every floor stand by their station and bow to you and say "good morning" as you walk by. It's like you are a friggin' royalty. If you shop in a department store while it's raining out, they will cover your paper bag with a clear plastic bag so it won't get wet.

Trains and subways, which are vital part of Tokyo life, come every 2-5 minutes, depending on the time of day. If they are late, they apologize profusely. Oh, and by the way, cab doors open and close automatically so you don't have to do it. I had a friend from the States who tried to close it and got into a wrestling match with the door and panicked the driver.

Interestingly, waiters are more attentive in the states because they make tips. We don't tip in Japan, so while they are very polite, they don't come back to your table and check on you like they do here. You have to flag them if you need something.

If you grew up with this kind of service everywhere you turned, please imagine the horror of arriving to the United States with this unrealistic standard. My brother once described United Airlines as "the airline where bear-like women chuck bread at you" and I couldn't fight him. If you are used this:


You'd think that too. Every time I fly United, I can't stop laughing because this phrase goes through my head. I am now accustomed to US culture and know that if you go to a gas station, you're lucky to find a squeegee that works. It is not appreciated, but just assumed that trains and planes will run late. When you call any customer service, you have to gear up for a big fight. We are alarmed and delighted here when people accommodate you. But coming from Japan, people are appalled. OR, they seem really spoiled.

Please imagine Japanese people standing by a cab waiting for the door to open. I wouldn't blame Americans for thinking those people were crazy.

But here is the flip side to the nation of crappy service. People are self sufficient in the States. Most people will try to fix things themselves to save money. Stores like Home Depot don't really exist in Japan, at least none of that size. When I tell my friends we painted our own walls, they seem impressed. I don't bother to tell them most people do much more. I just happen to have a husband who supports the Japanese philosophy and picks up the phone when something breaks. And I'm fine with that.

Last fall when we went to Tokyo, I left my purse (that contained my passport and wallet) on the plane. Panicked, we ran to a United agent and she ran around on our behalf to track it down. When she successfully retrieved it, she came running and apologized for taking so long. Yes, she apologized to us for helping us. I felt home.